Wednesday, November 7, 2012
And yet it's been another month.
I know, it's been yet another month. I really do lose track of time. It's flying by way too quickly, and I haven't had anything done. Nothing yet. And it kills me inside.
I thought life would be so much better. I thought life would be happier, a better turn, a better change. But somehow, I feel like I am stuck in a loop. Stuck in a loop that will eventually kill me someday. I can't believe 2012 is still not over yet, but I am glad that it's already November. I truly wish and hope the world will in in 50 days time or so. I truly hope so, for I am exhausted. I am drained. I am being pushed to my limits.
Never would I have thought I'd know how it's like to feel a man's fist on my face. Never would I have thought that in this lifetime, I have to make choices as ridiculous as this one. Risking and sacrificing my job, my future, to see to things that I no longer understand. What am I doing, really? I don't know how many days a week I don't go to work, staying in and seeing to things that I don't understand. Yes, I can always find another job, but do people understand why this job is important to me? Do people understand that? No. Why? Because people are selfish. Yet, they call me selfish. I no longer want to speak my mind. I no longer want to speak. I just want to switch myself off, and do as I am expected to. Life has lost all of its meaning. I have lost faith in life entirely. I am just too tired. Way too tired. But no one cares. No one will save me. No one will understand.
I hate talking. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I came to a realization that I do not have an outlet. Nobody will understand. It's as ridiculous as Humpty Dumpty. I've been coming in to work to sleep, to escape the reality of life. I dread 5pm everyday... and some days, I don't even have the chance to escape - I don't get to go to work. Going to work is like a privilege you won't understand until you're in my situation. I go to work to escape - the 8 hours of my life which I cherish so damn bloody much. And I wish it never ends. I wish it was never 5pm on the days I get to go to work. I wish time never tick. I want time to remain constant as it is. But on the days that I am stuck in hell, I wish time will speed up. I wish somebody will take me away. Save me.
Save me.
I miss my mommy.
I just want to curl up in bed, and cry. And sleep. And not be disturbed. And not having a care in the world about anything.
Save me.
You won't understand.
There are crazy people out there, and I've met them.
Slowly, they are shaping me to lose my sanity. And I am losing it. Slowly. Inevitably.
Save me, somebody, anybody.
the beauty exposed ; 10:36 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Life as we know it.
So, we meet again.
I know it's been a month plus since I've last updated.
I have been through hell, and back.
I miss my Jacob to death. I've been missing him every single day. Never a day goes by where I don't think of him, where I don't get reminded of him. I miss him. It's a feeling you won't understand, the depth of it - you will never get it. I miss just having him to hold. I miss his voice, his warmth, his touch. I miss waking up to him, going home to him. I know I always nag and complain about him, but it's just something you probably won't understand.
I know he loves me. And I will always love him. He will always have my heart, the entirety of it. No matter how much I try to replace him, or how much I try to give my heart away to someone else, I find myself going back to him, every single time. I don't know what I ever did in life to have deserved a love so great by him, to be loved so dearly by him, to have known someone like him. Yes, he had his flaws, but I learned to live with it. He loved me even with all my flaws. He called me beautiful when I wake up in the morning looking like a total mess - with no makeup, hair tangled and knotted up, and in PJs. He listened to me whine about the most random things that don't matter. He did things he never enjoyed doing just because I wanted to do them. He'd stay up the whole night looking after me when I was sick with high fever, sponging me, and making sure I drank enough water, making sure I took my medication. He carried me in the heavy downpour because I couldn't run fast enough to seek shelter.
He loved me like I never knew love before.
I miss my Jacob to death.
True enough, only death will do us part. As much as I would want to die and be with him, I know for a fact that he would want me to continue living on. Cherish the memories we had. Stay strong. But it's selfish - he left me to survive on my own.
But knowing Jacob, he's always around to look after me.
For some odd reason, his former colleague, Jake (ironic, the fact that they have the same name), got friendly with me. He reminds me of my Jacob in so many ways - mannerisms, their dry humor, the way they speak - it's so similar. If I close my eyes and hear this Jake speaks, I could have mistaken him for my Jacob. It's an amazement I failed to notice that when I've met him several times before. And me being me, of course I wanted something to replace my loss. And this Jake did pinch my heart. The only difference between them is that Jacob was serious, and Jake is more laid-back and easy-going.
I will wait and see where this goes. I'm taking a huge leap of faith here, and I know I am diving into things a little bit too quickly (okay, maybe not a little bit). But it's a leap of faith. There's just something about this guy that is pulling onto my heart.
And he has been a real sweetheart so far. Really reminds me of Jacob.
the beauty exposed ; 3:57 PM
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I'm coming home to you, baby.
I miss you.
And I'm still considering... Should I deed poll my name, to include his surname into my ID?
I know I am not married to him, but... should I change my name to add "Belmont" to it?
Talk me out of it please.
the beauty exposed ; 4:22 PM
